What to Do If Someone Is Flirting With Your Partner

Léa is a writer and comedian based in London. She writes and speaks about a range of topics including sex, dating, feminism, politics, and addiction.

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Reviewed by 

Landis Bejar

Licensed Mental Health Counselor

In This Article

In This Article

• Signs Someone Is Flirting With Your Partner
• What to Do
• What to Do If Your Partner Is Flirting Back

Key Takeaways

• If you notice late-night texts, frequent social media interactions, or touchy behavior with your partner, be proactive.
• Discuss your concerns with your partner if flirting becomes a problem, ensuring they know it makes you uncomfortable.
• Trust your gut feelings and approach the situation with understanding to protect your relationship’s health.

Everyone has different boundaries in a relationship. For some people, even following an ex on social media is considered out of bounds, while others don’t mind that their partner still has drinks with someone they used to date. But one area that’s a bit gray? Flirting. This can take all kinds of forms—and one person’s “innocent” is another person’s “inappropriate.” Ultimately, some signs that a woman is interested in your husband or that a colleague has started making moves on your boyfriend are clearer than others.

I remember being totally gobsmacked when another woman sat in my boyfriend’s lap, kissed him on the cheek, and proceeded to tickle him right in front of me. I wish I could say that I said something witty or did something bold and brave, but I was just sort of…frozen. I can’t help but call to mind the photo (above) of Nora Ephron and then-husband Carl Bernstein in 1977, where she’s clearly caught in a similar moment of frozen humiliation as another woman sits on Bernstein’s lap. So, what do you do when someone flirts with your partner right in front of you?

The truth is, mine was an extreme example—and a particularly hurtful one. There’s a lot of flirting that falls into an ambiguous zone—and it can be so ambiguous, that you don’t even know if you should do something or not. “I think that there should be somewhat of a broad leeway for flirting,” says relationship therapist Aimee Hartstein, LCSW. With some flirting, it might be easier to just let it go—but there are times where you might need to say something, either to your partner or to the person doing the flirting.

Meet the Expert

Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, is a psychotherapist with advanced training in the areas of relationships, marriage counseling, infidelity, and divorce.

Chances are, your suspicions brought you to this article, so we’ve laid out the 11 most common signs to look for—and expert advice on what to do if someone is flirting with your partner below.

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11 Signs Someone Is Flirting With Your Partner

1. Late Night Texts and Calls

Unless your partner is in a profession that requires them to be on-call for various emergencies, late night texting and calls—especially with the same person—can be a little suspect. Chances are you already have a good feel for you partner’s typical communication cadence. If certain dialogue is disrupting this rhythm and causing you to raise an eyebrow, you’re probably on to something. After-hours discussions and frequent conversations are usually the more obvious red flags.

2. Your Partner Acts Nonchalant About Their Friendship

Being stuck in the weeds can often make a person blind to the big picture. The same can be true for your partner, who may not be able to recognize blatant flirtation for what it is because they’re too close to the situation. It often takes an objective eye to spot what’s really taking place. If your partner isn’t actually aloof, however, but instead choosing to downplay things to keep the peace, you may need to have a discussion. There could be more to the part they’re playing than meets the eye.

3. Wearing Revealing Clothing Near Your Partner

Style is one of our favorite forms of self expression and everyone has their own approach. If someone’s take on fashion generally errs on the more seductive, it’s probably no cause for concern. However, if a person’s usually buttoned-up look happens to take a far more wanton appearance when in the company of your spouse, that may be a sign that a woman is interested in your husband.

4. They Try to Make Your Partner Jealous

Weaponizing jealousy is one of the oldest tactics in the book. It’s a form of emotional manipulation to coerce someone into taking action. In this case, priming your partner to feel jealous could be a ploy to get them to succumb to any feelings of attraction they may have for this person.

5. Being Touchy-Feely With Your Partner

Some people are natural touchers, huggers, and knee-slappers. We all know and love them for it. If someone is only being touchy-feely with your partner, however, and remaining relatively distant and hands-free with everyone else, it could be cause for concern. As with many of these signs, the devil is in the detail and the detail is whether your partner is being exclusively singled out.

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6. They Drop Everything For Your Partner

It’s very rare that we go out of our way to do something for someone that we don’t like. So if someone is consistently dropping everything and going above and beyond to tend your partner, it’s a pretty clear sign that they’re into them. In more harmless cases, they could be attempting to be useful but on the more dangerous end of the spectrum they could be trying to take your place as the go-to in times of need. If your partner takes the bait and finds themselves reaching out to this person instead of you, it can be a form of emotional infidelity.

7. They Compliment Your Partner (A Lot)

There’s a fine line between authentic flattery and compliments that just make us cringe. As your partner’s biggest fan, you already know all of their shining strengths and heartwarming weaknesses. So if someone is laying it on a little too thick, it’s easy to call them out on their BS.

8. They Laugh at Everything Your Partner Says

Sure, your partner is hilarious. His or her humor is probably what drew you in in the first place. It’s natural that other people notice this, too, but if you find that someone is laughing a little too hard—or even at times where your partner’s commentary wasn’t that funny—they might be interested (and not just in their jokes).

9. They Act or Speak Negatively Toward You

So, you get the feeling that this person genuinely dislikes you. Whether their negative feelings towards you are overt or more subtle, the situation is nevertheless a bit discomforting. While you should never overthink someone’s reasons for disliking you (we’ve already accepted that we can’t please everyone), if there’s no other reason for the tension between you—other than the one life-size reason standing next you—it could be a sign that they see you as an obstacle or envy your position.

10. They engage with your partner constantly on social media.

We’re not talking about something simple, like liking all of his photos. Is she constantly sliding into his DMs and publicly commenting on his posts? Is she replying to all of his Instagram Stories (with fire emojis, perhaps)? If you get a sense that someone is over-engaging with your partner on social media, that could be a sign that some serious flirting is afoot.

11. You Have a Gut Feeling

If your intuition is telling you that something is amiss, lean into it and follow where it’s guiding you. It could be your ego clouding your better judgement, but there’s no way to know for sure unless you delve deeper. In a healthy relationship, you would want to explore your gut feeling further by taking the next step to have an open conversation with your partner about how you’re feeling and your level of discomfort.

What to Do If Someone Is Flirting With Your Partner

What to Do If Someone Is Flirting With Your Partner

You’ve witnessed the surefire signs, heeded the red flags, and concluded that someone is flirting with your partner. What now? The most difficult part is figuring out what to do with this information and finding a way to lean into a proactive reaction rather than escalating to a full-blown overreaction.

Let It Go (If It’s Mild)

If it’s someone that has no impact in your life—someone who you’re just interacting with fleetingly—and the flirting is mild, then the best option might be to let it go. “The fact that it’s in front of you should suggest that there’s not necessarily suspect motives involved with the activity,” Hartstein says. “If it’s mild, fun flirting I would leave it alone and even use it as a nice indicator that your partner is appealing to other people besides you! When we see others desire our partner, it often makes them a bit more attractive.”

Remember, that for some people, teasing, flattering, or even being “touchy-feely” is just a way of life. As long as it doesn’t feel inappropriate—and your partner isn’t acting in a way that’s hurtful—you can let it go.

Ask Your Partner to Intervene (If It’s a Problem)

There are times when flirting can be a problem, and if the person flirting with your partner is someone you see a lot, that’s going to make things difficult. Ideally, your partner will say something—either by making a point that they’re in a relationship or addressing it directly. “That said, if it’s really over the top and is making you or your partner uncomfortable, I think the best tactic is for your partner to just nip it in the bud,” Hartstein says. “Don’t flirt back. Either walk away, change the subject, pull you into the conversation, or mention you.”

In a perfect world, your partner will do this automatically. But you may need to tell them that the flirting bothers you, that it feels inappropriate, and ask them to put a stop to it the next time you see this person.

Confront This Person Yourself

Should you say something to the person? Maybe, in extreme cases. “It would have to be really bad for you to actually confront the person, although sometimes that might be necessary,” Hartstein says. Normally injecting yourself into the conversation is enough—introducing yourself or reminding the person that you’re the other half. But if it’s someone close to you or it continues to be a problem, it might be worth pulling that person aside. If you believe that it’s innocent, tell them that—explain that you’re sure that they don’t mean any harm, but that it’s making you uncomfortable. If you don’t think it’s innocent, you may want to ask why they’re doing it.

What to Do If Your Partner Is Flirting Back

Most of this is based on a scenario where someone else is driving the flirting—but you need to be honest with yourself about your partner’s role in it. It’s not their fault if someone flirts with them, but if your partner encourages or welcomes it and is consistently flirting with other people, you have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. That sounds like a fundamental relationship problem—and something much larger that you need to deal with. If you find yourself in this position with your partner again and again, you need to ask yourself why.

Watching someone else flirt with your partner might not feel great, but often it will just be harmless—you can’t control the way other people interact, their sense of humor, or their communication style. But if this person is a regular part of your life—or you feel like your partner is encouraging it—it might be a larger problem. Talk to your partner about nipping it in the bud and, if you have to, intervene with the person directly. It’s all about how it affects your relationship in the bigger picture. You’ll know if it’s a real concern.

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How to Tell If Your Spouse or Partner Is Lying

Their pants may not be on fire, but there will be signs

By 

Sheri Stritof 

Updated on February 10, 2025

 Reviewed by 

Carly Snyder, MD

Reviewed by Carly Snyder, MD

Carly Snyder, MD is a reproductive and perinatal psychiatrist who combines traditional psychiatry with integrative medicine-based treatments.

Learn about ourReview Board

Table of Contents

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Table of Contents 

• Common Reasons
• Signs
• Impact
• How to Respond
• Confrontation

It isn’t always easy to spot a liar in a relationship, but there are sometimes signs, such as behaviors, body language, and other cues. Let’s be honest; nearly everyone lies from time to time. Sometimes, we tell little white lies out of consideration, which may even help protect someone else’s feelings or keep stability in your relationship. However, excessive or destructive lying can irreparably harm your relationship with your spouse.

So, what counts as deception in a relationship? Vague statements, only telling half the truth, minimizing facts, withholding information, or telling outright lies are just a few common examples.

Knowing how to spot a liar in a relationship can be helpful. However, detecting a lie isn’t easy. And sometimes, your suspicions can get in the way of finding out the truth.

Why People Lie In Relationships

You can probably think of a few reasons why someone might tell a fib or hide the truth. Maybe you’ve done it yourself to spare someone’s feelings or avoid revealing something kind of embarrassing about yourself.

People choose to lie for many underlying reasons. Their reasons for lying may be well-intentioned and benign—or they could be deliberate attempts to cause pain. Reasons for lying might include:¹

• Avoiding conflict, embarrassment, or having to face the consequences of their behavior
• Fear of rejection or losing their spouse
• Hiding something they did or did not do
• Maintaining control of a situation
• Making themselves look good, or more successful, special, or talented than they really are
• Postponing having to make changes in lifestyle
• Trying to protect someone else’s feelings

While someone might tell lies as a way to protect their partner’s feelings or to avoid conflict, these and other lies still can cause problems in a relationship by decreasing trust and intimacy.

Signs Someone Is Lying in a Relationship

While it can be helpful to know some of the typical signs of lying, it’s also easy to misunderstand such behaviors. In fact, one study found that people were only able to accurately detect lying 54% of the time in a lab setting. So, while you may believe someone is lying, it can be difficult to know for sure.²

Being able to spot a liar in a relationship is not always as easy or straightforward as noticing unusual body language or behavior. However, the following are signs that could possibly be present if someone isn’t telling the truth or they are withholding information:

• Avoiding eye contact
• Being vague, or offering few details
• Body language that is contradictory (such as saying “no” but nodding their head up and down)
• Body language that is unusual (like fidgeting, rigidity, rubbing brow, playing with hair, or slouching)
• Continual defensiveness or denying of accusations
• Evasive answers or inconsistencies in what they say
• Perspiring on the brow
• Placing a barrier such as a desk or a chair in front of self
• Providing more information or specifics than is necessary or was asked for
• Saying “no” several times
• Smugness
• Stalling the conversation
• Unusual calmness
• Unusual voice fluctuations
• Unwillingness to touch spouse during a conversation

It’s possible to mistake nervousness, distraction, or lack of eye contact for lying. Relying solely on common signs of lying may result in misreading or mislabeling your partner’s behaviors. Nonverbal clues of lying can be difficult to spot and vary from person to person.³

Scientists even have conflicting views about this topic. Some researchers state that eye movement is not a good predictor of lies, for example.⁴

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Impact of Deception on a Relationship

Some lies may seem harmless, and the occasional lie is probably inevitable (especially in the case of white lies or lies of omission). But even little, infrequent lies can add up to distrust and other relationship problems, including:

• Decreased trust: If your partner keeps telling lies, it can have a direct impact on trust. The more lies they tell, the less you trust them or have faith in their honesty.
• Diminished compassion and empathy: Lying makes it harder to detect someone’s emotions, which in turn, can diminish the compassion and empathy you feel toward that person.⁵
• Lower intimacy: Perhaps not surprisingly, lying affects the sense of closeness between people in a relationship. Intimacy requires emotional vulnerability, which can become nearly impossible without a foundation of trust and honesty.
• More lies and deception: Lying can snowball and get worse over time, making it increasingly hard to maintain the trust and honesty needed to have a healthy relationship. One study found the brain can adapt to dishonesty. In other words, the more someone lies, the more their brain gets used to lying.⁶

How to Deal With Lying in a Relationship

Learning how to spot a liar in a relationship can be a good skill to have, but it can also be disheartening to think that someone you trusted has been deceiving you. If you suspect that there is deception in your relationship, there are steps you can take to respond with compassion for both your partner and yourself.

• Rely on your instincts. You can’t always detect when someone is a liar in a relationship, but it’s important to trust your intuition. Your gut reaction may be more accurate than trying to identify stereotypical behaviors often associated with lying, such as fidgeting and lack of eye contact.⁷
• Set healthy expectations for honesty. For example, expecting your partner to tell you exactly where they are and what they do at every minute of the day is an unreasonable request. But expecting honesty about their plans when they leave the house or when you periodically check in is usually reasonable.
• Pause to think before responding to what your partner is telling you. When your partner is relaying what you think to be a lie, take a brief moment before you answer. Use the time to process any of their lying patterns and keep yourself from responding impulsively.
• Ask direct questions or challenge what your spouse is saying. Some research suggests asking for eye contact and requesting that the story be told in reverse when you think a person may be lying. Lying takes considerable effort, so reversing the order of the events increases the cognitive load, making it more challenging to maintain a lie.⁸ So, if you ask your spouse to retell their story out of chronological order, cracks in the story and other behavioral indicators may be easier to spot.

Should You Confront Deception in a Relationship?

Once you suspect a person is lying, should you confront them immediately or wait for further proof? Some experts believe the sooner the cards are on the table, and the sooner honesty is lived out again in a partnership, the better.⁹

However, you may also consider waiting until you have uncovered more information and facts before confronting your spouse with your suspicions.

Only you know what is most comfortable for you and what is best for your specific situation—including the potential consequences of the accusation and confrontation.

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Should You Forgive Your Partner?

They lied. You’re hurt. Now what? Whether or not you forgive your partner for lying is a highly personal choice that may depend on your partner’s past pattern of behavior and how much harm was caused by their lie. Similarly, only you can decide how much lying is acceptable in your relationship. Certainly, it is more difficult to forgive a partner for infidelity than it is for lying about going to happy hour with co-workers.

Keep in mind, however, that holding a grudge can chip away at your well-being and relationship, so do your best to communicate your hurt. Forgiving your spouse or partner doesn’t mean that you condone the lying or hurtful behavior.

If you are struggling with problems caused by lying in a relationship, consider marriage counseling. Even if your partner won’t go with you, talking to a marriage or couple’s counselor can help you come to terms with the lying and help you let go and forgive so you can move on.

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When to Leave a Lying Partner

A small amount of lying is common in romantic relationships. For instance, your partner might leave out details about a past relationship. Or, when you ask them if they are attracted to someone, they may say “no” even when they really are. It’s not unusual for people to downplay certain things in order to keep peace in their relationships.

What’s important is that you and your partner are on the same page about what constitutes a damaging lie. One study found that people are likely to project their own beliefs onto their romantic partners.¹⁰ So, it’s important to take some to reflect on what your boundaries are when it comes to misinformation in your relationship.

Once you know your own boundaries, talk about them with your partner. Do you both agree on what it means to deceive the other? What information is non-negotiable? What is unacceptable to be dishonest about?

It might be time for the relationship to end if you and your partner don’t agree on the type of information that is necessary to share honestly with one another.

You may also ask yourself: Am I giving my partner enough space to share information with me? If they try to be truthful with you, but you criticize or reject them, you might be making it harder for them to share things in the future.

When you set boundaries in relationships, it’s important to set consequences. If your partner has continuously lied to you, let them know that you’ll find it difficult to remain in a relationship with them if they continue this behavior. If they continue lying, it’s important to follow through on the consequences.

If your partner doesn’t express remorse for lying, for hurting your feelings, or shows no willingness to change or seek help for their behavior, you might seriously consider ending the relationship.

Takeaways

While some lying is normal, and can serve as a way to keep the peace or avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, trying to cover up actions or telling repeated lies can undermine a relationship. The bottom line: Honesty is a healthier approach for a happy marriage.