Learning the Hard Way: 6 Painful Realities of Adulthood

Table Of Contents

1. The Vanishing
2. “My boyfriend goes to UNLV.”
3. The freshman 15 is coming for ya
4. Success math is illogical
5. Your brain should be your only thinking organ
6. Did you hear about _?
7. Sometimes learning the hard way is the only way to learn

As I stood alone in my dorm for the first time, I felt a new level of autonomy.

 

It was totally unprecedented, an opportunity to turn a new page, forge my own path, free from parental oversight. 

But college caught me off guard. I was reminded that learning the hard way is just part of life—which will continue to serve up new, unpalatable truths. 

Here are the 6 harsh realities I learned:

The Vanishing

All those social circles and cliques from high school suddenly disappeared. The game reset. The drama and concern with social standing and “being cool” became meaningless.  

It dawned on me why parents were so annoyed with teenagers who were overly committed to their friendships.

Thousands of miles, along with the suffocating press of courses, diluted all those connections. We were in a new spawning pool. 

I felt alone that first night. I realized that friends weren’t going to show up on my doorstep. It taught me an early lesson in the importance of being proactive with my social life. Week one was square one. It was the time to start meeting people.  

Years later, as I moved to new cities, this truth resounded. Be happy and eager to meet new people. They’ll detect that energy and embrace it. Otherwise, age will only bring more loneliness. 

“My boyfriend goes to UNLV.”

All the girls I liked in high school had college boyfriends. This was particularly true my senior year.

And all the way down to the most madly-in-love examples—not a single one lasted. 

Distance will save and also destroy a relationship. Too much of a good thing kills it. Too little makes it fade to obscurity. Familiarity breeds a sense of casualness and banality. 

I’ve found that the loves of my life die twice. The first, in its official contractual sense. And again, when I stop feeling that pang, the hurt of our separation. There’s an emotional cauterization that I almost wish didn’t happen.

College thrusts logistical challenges right up against our young, idealistic views of love and romance. The relationship that was once an escape from parental rules suddenly felt like an anchor to newfound freedom.

I learned that long-distance relationships can work. But only under controlled criteria, a schedule where you always have a visit planned, and where there are regular phone calls.  

If you don’t, you’ll face the reality that absence does not usually make the heart grow fonder.

The freshman 15 is coming for ya

Dining hall. Meal card. Mouth. Beware, or you will fulfill the prophecy of the 15. This came true again during COVID. The dang refrigerator is right there. 

I swam in college. So I didn’t struggle with the famous 15-pound weight gain. But I watched more than a few people balloon up around me.

The parties and food and alcohol caused the weight to slide on. It was an early lesson in the importance of discipline. Keeping weight off hasn’t gotten easier with age. 

During freshman year, I remember coming back home for Christmas break and not even recognizing a few classmates. 

It was so much freedom. The food, the erratic sleep schedule—I’m not surprised I was crashing all the time. 

In a new and intimate way, college taught me that just because one can, doesn’t mean one should. 

Success math is illogical

Many of your most immature classmates—the clowns, the drunks, the buffoons, those who are the least likely of candidates—will someday become powerful VPs and directors at companies. Believe it.

I have so much wild dirt on one VP (if only they knew what I know ). I wasn’t a perfect angel either. I’m so glad there weren’t smartphones when I was in college.

To the point, those party animals are often good people to know someday. Cultivate and maintain those relationships after you leave, because people grow and evolve. Don’t make assumptions about their future or who they are based on their behavior at age 20. 

After college, I was shocked by how competitive the market was. I don’t think our parents even knew either; they came from a generation where a college degree near-guaranteed a great position somewhere. 

And often, a referral from the guy who set the beer bong record a decade prior proves to be quite valuable.

Your brain should be your only thinking organ

Just because you enjoy math doesn’t mean you’ll enjoy engineering.

So many people just followed their instincts on what they were good at, arbitrarily choosing a major. 

Colleges should have a career week, where we get exposed to the daily life of a dozen different careers. And that means seeing what each hour looks like, what the daily grind is.

We still have a huge problem of students being spit out into the workforce without the right skills. Even further, the students are showing up at the job and realizing they hate what they majored in.

Have foresight when making huge consequential decisions. It’s OK to make mistakes. But try not to make mistakes that are hard to undo. And while you’re at it, do a cost benefit analysis on birth control and protection. Some people never run the math on that one. 

Did you hear about _?

There was a moment in college where a crowd of us began talking in the hallway.

I made acquaintances with a beautiful brunette girl, who I spoke with for only a couple of minutes. I came away with a minor crush already.

I mentioned her to a friend on the walk back to the dorm. He said, “Oh her? She has herpes, dude.”

His comment caught me off-guard. It wasn’t even the potential STD that bothered me, it was him and his comment. How did this guy know? And who was he to be spreading such things around? 

In high school, I heard a lot of the same types of nonsense rumors about people. And much of the time it wasn’t true.

And unfortunately, despite my best wishes that gossip and drama would disappear after high school, it was still there in college, and would continue thereafter.

Just make it a point not to be an active participant. Don’t judge people by rumors and avoid the drama that causes them in the first place. And remember, anyone who says they hate drama, typically is the drama.

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Sometimes learning the hard way is the only way to learn

So, there you have it. Learn these lessons now and jump into adulthood a little wiser than most:

• Get good at meeting new people
• Be intentional and strategic when attempting long-distance relationships
• Discipline matters—especially when you have unlimited freedom
• Put effort into relationships (even loose ties) because connections matter
• Take big decisions seriously—and give them the time and thought they deserve
• Opt out of gossip and rumors, because unfortunately they don’t die in high school

Let’s face it: I can tell you what I’ve learned, your parents might attempt to steer you in a certain direction, or your well-meaning friends give advice about what you should or shouldn’t do. Ultimately, it’s your life and some things are best learned simply by living it. So get out there. Build friendships. Switch majors. Succeed and fail. Have your own revelations about the world around you. Learning the hard way is part of growing up.

And no one makes it to adulthood without some major growing pains.

OPB’s First Look: How not to close a school

Subscribe to OPB’s First Look to receive Northwest news in your inbox six days a week.

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Good morning, Northwest.

There’s rarely an easy way to close a school. The West Linn-Wilsonville School District is learning that lesson the hard way.

OPB education reporter Elizabeth Miller leads off this morning’s newsletter with a story on fraying trust in the exurban district.

In other news, Pendleton cracks down on vacant buildings, and federal policy cuts could force hundreds into homelessness in Multnomah County.

Heavy rain is expected to soak western Oregon and Southwest Washington into tomorrow.

Here’s your First Look at Thursday’s news.

—Bradley W. Parks

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In West Linn, a tough lesson on how not to close a school

West Linn-Wilsonville School District is a suburban Clackamas County district with 16 schools. Like almost every school district nationwide, West Linn-Wilsonville is facing budget challenges.

This past January, the West Linn-Wilsonville school board voted to keep all primary schools open, rejecting a plan to consolidate the small schools in the district to help save money. But less than a year later, the district is already walking back that motion.

The flip-flopping has left parents frustrated. (Elizabeth Miller)

Learn more

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3 things to know this morning

• Officials are warning residents in northwest Oregon and Southwest Washington to once again brace for more rain and strong winds Thursday. (Amanda Linares) 
• Starting next year, Pendleton landlords will be required to register vacant buildings with the city and create plans to fill the spaces, or potentially face thousands of dollars in penalties. (Antonio Sierra)
• Multnomah County is facing the loss of more than $25 million in federal funding intended to address the region’s homelessness crisis in the coming year. (Alex Zielinski)

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Headlines from around the Northwest

• Jessica Vega Pederson won’t seek reelection as Multnomah County chair (Dirk VanderHart)
• Oregon’s Measure 110 programs for substance use treatment have unclear results, audit finds (Amelia Templeton)
• Investigation discredits former equity director’s claims of racial discrimination against Bend (Kathryn Styer Martínez)
• Ex-West Linn doctor charged with 5 more sexual abuse crimes (Holly Bartholomew)
• Eugene school district prepares for $30 million in cuts this year in hopes of long-term stability (Rebecca Hansen-White)
• US Fish and Wildlife sees nearly 20% drop in staff since Trump took office (Mia Maldonado)

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Listen in on OPB’s daily conversation

“Think Out Loud” airs at noon and 8 p.m. weekdays on OPB Radio, opb.org and the OPB News app. Today’s planned topics (subject to change):

• Beaverton schools official on how district is supporting students and families amid concerns over ICE activity

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A Portland statue has been out of the public eye since 2020. It could return in the spring

The Thompson Elk statue was removed from its spot in downtown Portland after someone sprayed it with graffiti and built fires in the fountain five years ago.

An alphabet soup of organizations overseeing the project has contributed to the timeline required for the statue’s restoration.

As of yesterday, Portland officials are hopeful the elk will make its return in a few months. (Kristian Foden-Vencil)

Learn more

Don’t Learn or Teach Flying the Hard Way

Instructors and examiners must ensure they protect themselves in many aspects.

Martha Lunken

Thursday, September 11, 2025 at 08:00 AM ET

Verified

Edited By:Travis Tingle

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Key Takeaways:

This is not the kind of column I enjoy writing, but it’s important information, so struggle through it with me.

 Life was ever so much simpler in the old days. 

This Article First Appeared in FLYING Magazine

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Recently, I fished out an early logbook and found my CFI check ride signed off in 1966 by a wonderful guy—an inspector in the Cincinnati General Aviation District Office named Fred Martin. And we did it in 1.3 hours including the landing or two you always offered to the inspector at the end of the ride.

That check ride with “Red Fred” was actually a lot of fun. The oral portion had been accomplished the day before by another inspector who simply handed me a sheet of questions and said we’d meet after lunch to discuss my answers. After we finished reviewing it, I raced downstairs to my VW Bug and wrote out all the questions and my answers from memory. Sporty’s Pilot Shop published the manual I created as the Flight Instructor Oral Examination Guide, and it sold rather well.

• READ MORE: It’s Hard to Find Many Fans of Complicated FAA Program

But those days are long gone.

Back in those dark ages (actually, the golden days of general aviation), you used your income as a single-engine land instructor to work and pay for an instrument rating and then a multiengine. And, voila, you were automatically an instrument and multiengine CFI. I’m truly not sure that wasn’t a bad idea. You already knew how to teach in flying machines, and now you knew what extra stuff was required for flights in IFR and multiengine equipment.

Sure, things were a little more difficult in those days—especially for a woman—because of the petticoats, long skirts, and bonnets you were expected to wear.

 Two decades later, now an inspector at the KCVG Flight Standards District Office (FSDO), I saw that most CFI certification tests were being allocated to a group of examiners in the region that cost the applicant a chunk of money. But a few practical tests were still conducted (usually with reluctance) by FAA inspectors in the office, probably because they were free of charge. I would surreptitiously listen in on some of the oral portions happening in one of our exam rooms, especially those by a female inspector named Corrinne and, wow, they were pretty brutal.

On the bright side, I learned a helluva lot. 

• READ MORE: There’s an Art to Making Crosswind Landings

But these days there are a bunch of complaints from independent flight instructors as well as Part 91 and 141 flight schools about the incredible delays in scheduling check rides with Designated Pilot Examiners (DPEs)? And you can forget trying to schedule “swamped” FAA general aviation inspectors.

 The number of available pilot examiners in southwestern Ohio and northern Kentucky has dwindled to three, maybe four. A few years ago, there were lots more, but several died, others were “fired” by the FAA, and a few are simply considered not an option.

For example, the newest designee around here gave two private pilot check rides—one lasting nine hours and the other 10 hours from start to finish. Another allegedly requires maneuvers not listed in the Airman Certification Standards. The local FSDO (which may, in fact, be a figment of the imagination) doesn’t run the DPE programs. Rather all certification matters are the responsibility of an office in Virginia. Even more ludicrous is the management of this local (if it really exists) FSDO, which is handled by an office in Maine.

 As a former Part 141 examiner, then an FAA inspector, and most recently a defrocked examiner, I hear about the problem from students, local flight schools, and CFIs. And this lack of DPEs to give practical certification tests to pilots for certificates and ratings is wreaking havoc in the industry. 

Maybe it’s because the FAA has been “burned” by a few renegade examiners, or maybe the agency just doesn’t think it’s important despite strong pressure from the Aircraft Owners and Pilots Association, Experimental Aircraft Association (EAA), and other industry organizations. Supposedly, there are working groups addressing this nationwide problem but changes usually take years.

 On the subject of instructors and flight schools, here are some important considerations.

 If you instruct at a flight school, protect yourself by determining if your status is that of an employee or independent contractor. This has become an important issue with IRS audits, determining if the school exercises “control.” If you are an employee, the employer (school) pays you a salary and deducts the required payroll deductions for federal and state taxes and for workers’ compensation. 

As an employee, you’re obligated to comply with the employer’s directives about work (hours, attending required meetings, working on the business premises, etc.) You should receive payment for business or travel expenses and rely on the employer for tools and materials for your work. The school provides classrooms, flight planning facilities, and access to a fleet of aircraft and maintenance. And, very importantly, it provides insurance.

 Be careful to understand your status with a school. Some outfits prefer to treat instructors as independent contractors, so they don’t have to withhold or pay taxes and are relieved from tax reporting and other administrative and financial requirements. That can cause a lot of trouble with the feds and with your tax situation.

 There definitely are benefits and obligations to being an independent flight instructor. But be sure you know the rules. You can tailor the training to an individual’s needs and goals and set your own schedule. You can deduct equipment costs like headsets, charts, and sunglasses. You can deduct all or a portion of the cost of your computer for training materials and even depreciate it based on how much it’s used for flight training.

Experts suggest, if you’re working as an independent CFI with a school, you have a written agreement that you alone are responsible for paying taxes and you can instruct anywhere you wish. While the school may not “exercise control,” it can provide aircraft, teaching aids, and classrooms.

 Just be sure you sign the logbooks properly and maintain a separate record of the endorsements you make for solo flights and for knowledge and practical tests. If you’re flying with an aircraft owner, you’ll need an additional insured endorsement and a waiver of subrogation on his policy. In addition, you should carry your own non-owned aircraft policy and professional liability insurance.

Sound confusing? There are solutions. EAA members can use the SAFE Flight Instructor Insurance Plan, and Avemco offers CFI nonowned insurance. Students should consider buying student pilot insurance to cover liability and other possible costs.

 Our world is complicated—more litigious, with people intent on protecting their rights. So many are ready to sue anybody they consider might be responsible.

 Wow.